ELEMENTS OF STYLE

BEING REGULAR

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BEING REGULAR 〰️

PART XII

Imani Smith

4.5.22

I remember having a black and white checkered belt with a seatbelt buckle style closure. I found it at Hot Topic in the early ‘00s when I was 14 or 15 and I was going through an emo phase, that I didn’t feel like was a phase, at that time. Although, at no point in time did I ever stop enjoying mainstream black things, I connected with that music, so I was really into mixing those darker and more edgy elements of that aesthetic into my look. I thought that belt was the most unique thing I’d ever seen, and I absolutely adored it. I had it on the day I went into a McDonald’s to apply for a job, and I distinctly remember overhearing laughs and shady commentary about the belt, and it was a moment that I would never forget.

Being told that you’re not Black enough or not Black at all- by people who look exactly like you- is something that you can’t understand unless it happens to you. There has never been a moment in my life where I didn’t want to be Black or thought of myself as anything else. My interests were eclectic, but I never felt like anything other than a Black girl doing whatever I felt like doing. Being Black in a way that doesn’t always fit the mold in a stereotypical way has been a rough road to travel and it still is. Amanda Seales often states that “every Black experience is a Black experience unless it’s anti-Black,” and I wholeheartedly agree. I never hated my Blackness a day in my life, not even jokingly. I have vivid memories of hearing sentiments of colorism and internalized white supremacy from my ‘regular Black’ family and peers over the years but none of that ever resonated with me. I never agreed, but I had to make a conscious effort to deprogram the whispers of those voices from my mind.

Some of my earliest memories were being called ‘proper’ when I spoke. I was about 4 or 5 years old, already being ‘othered’. Even though I was dressed like everyone else, I was still treated a little differently. I began my life dressing like a regular Black girl, then eventually an ‘alternative’ Black girl, then a ‘regular’ Black girl again and then shortly after, my personal style journey truly began.

I started to fall in madly in love with colors, prints and uniquely printed fabrics. I stopped looking to my peers for inspiration and my style choices became more organic. They became more about how much I loved each piece I was wearing and my objective at that moment. They blended all of the chapters of my life into one. Did I want to look sexy? Did I want to garner a bit of attention and from whom? Did I want to hide? Did I have a specific statement to make? Did I want to do it all at the same time? No matter what, the power was in my hands from that point forward. After a while, I noticed that occasionally, some folks would look to me for inspiration and that was a wild feeling.

Living my life every single day in a way that I’m ‘not supposed to’ or in a way that some just aren’t used to experiencing can create some unforgettable and dehumanizing moments. I have countless. Having a larger body that I have no desire to hide has been a difficult journey within itself. The pressure to shrink into nothingness and blend into your surroundings like camouflage can become quite intense if you let it.

Fortunately, I’ve chosen to focus more on the encouragement than discouragement that I’ve received when it comes to my artistic expressions. I do, wear and say a lot of things that I’m not ‘supposed to’ as a fat Black woman because it is the only true route to my happiness. Along the way, I’ve noticed that sometimes there are people who are disturbed and offended but there are also just as many people who let me know that they’re inspired. Those are the people that I want to reach.

It’s easy to live in a nondescript way until you find yourself in a situation where you’re asked to reveal yourself. Your true self. Do you know how? Have you ever done that before? Your style choices are a direct reflection of all of that.

I don’t know what happened to that belt, but I wish I would have held onto it. I continued to wear it after that day, though. The indirect criticism stung hard enough to the point where I could easily recollect the feeling 15 years later, but it didn’t sting hard enough to stop me from loving that belt. I didn’t get the job and in hindsight, I’m glad.

 As you‘ve probably gathered, this is bigger than just the story of a weird belt I used to have. I want anyone who works with me or experiences me in any capacity to know that I’m free. I fight for my freedom to literally exist and express myself every single day. I do what I want, with intention and I can’t be burdened with the opinions of others. Neither praise nor criticism will build or break me. I encourage others to free themselves, as well. My mission is to help people unlock all of the beauty and freedom within themselves, whatever that means for them. I especially love to do that with fun and fabulous clothing, shoes, and accessories the most.

Maybe you’re following a set of rules that you didn’t write for yourself. Maybe you’re still trying to impress someone who made you feel inferior in the past. Maybe you’re afraid of drawing too much attention to yourself because you’re afraid that nobody will accept the person that you actually are. I’m here to talk about all of it.